LONG RANTING POST AHEAD
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
seriously , life really likes to bring you way over th moon , & then throw you down into th dumpster .
mom : you everyday go out lehs . can come back earlier anot ?
me : i want mix around marhs . home so boring .
(what i meant wasn't about th stuff to do at home . it meant th atmosphere .)
mom : why boring ?
me : like , so sian . you everyday just busying with didi only .
mom : then what ? you also not here to help . he so helpless one .
me : but like , you always so busy . (not like work sense ) want talk to you also tough right ?
mom : i earning money to stuff into your pockets whats .
me : forget it lurs. nevermind .
i didnt want to loose my temper , cuz her tone was just super maddening . like , all i did was try to talk right . maybe i chose th wrong time . but i just blurted it out right ? like , i really feel that way whats . then you so angry at me . whats wrong with you ?
she say cannot nevermind . & then got v.angry .
like , whatever it is , not that i dont want to be here for didi & th family right .
i mean , my brother freaking dislikes me . what am i suppose to do ? i tried to help , but he just chases me away . im human for goodness' sake ! how am i suppose to feel when i tried to be nice , get things close & he chases me away time & time again . whenever im concern , he just screams at me . thats how much he dislikes me . what am i to do ? & you make it sound like im th one at fault cuz i come home late . please lurs , when i come home early , no one is around can ? i go back home at times when people is around right ? not just th fall walls and me . when i reach home , you guys also just reach home or finished dinner whats . so what th hell is wrong with you ?
then she say im immature & cant think & that i need to change my thinking . maybe i do . but i still dont see why you mst use that tone to talk to me . you made it sound like its all my fault y'know . i didnt reply you its only cuz i know if i did , i would propably blow my top & scream right ? i promised to never break down in front of you . & that has to do with me . my pride & my feelings . so its something i'll keep to . my other way of venting my anger is to just loose it . im sure things will get worse if i did that right ? so what i tried was to calm down before i can talk to you , without screaming back .
& then you said i was some immature brat who cares only for myself . or something like that . & that i treat th house like a hotel . hello ! situation check ! i come home , usually to see my brother slacking away , & giving me th cold shoulder . & when you come back , you would get angry at him for not completing his work . & when i feel like sharing what happened in school or other stuff , just casual talk , i cant ! cause you are mad at him . do i have th chance to talk ? none would probably go in , cause you're mad at him . thats what i meant .
& you said when you're free , im talking to my boy . come on larhs . just cuz of you , i must change my schedule ? like , i finished everything that needs to be done , im letting myself relax , & enjoy by talking to him right ? th situation has nothing to do with me talking to him , me on th com or me smsing whoever ! its about how we hardly talk these days !
i know its tough , cause didi is a lil slow & all . & super dependent . thats why i tried to help . thats why i understand . it was just how i feel despite understanding all of it . feelings & logic are 2 different things lurs . when feelings come in , sometimes , you just loose you logic . im human ! cant you understand ?! th way you spoke to me was as if , i was just your daughter & that i completely have no feelings lurs . like , wtf ? just cuz you angry , doesn't mean you treat me like that right ?
& thats why i said forget it . i dont want loose it . i know there really isn't much you can do . so we're all trying to figure this out & work it out . im trying to help . so that when you are free , we dont have to be angry at each other for minor things . but you insist to pursue th matter . like , you don't have a 100% solution . & for goodness' sake , why expect me to have it ? you asked me ; then what you expect me to do ?
how am i suppose to know ?! im your daughter ! not some advisor or something !
thats why my answer is nothing . like , i understand this isn't some easy thing . so we should like , try to work things out . & we're all still trying whatever shit , just to make things work . then why th hell did you still bang th door & walk out of our convo , mad at me , & saying you are not going to give a damm . like , we're all trying right ? you just loose it , & we got stuck , in th mess .
lately things are like that . so , what th hell do you want me to do ? i have my life in case you didn't notice . its not an option for me to break all th stuff i been doing . i like it this way . i know my limits , & i do what im suppose to . sometimes a lil overboard . but im trying to maintain things alright . if you think this is easy for me , go fly kite lurs.
im not saying im unhappy at home , cuz im not . i like coming home . i am happy . its just sometimes , its really nerve wrecking . like , with all th commotion and all th crap ? & i just found out we're too caught up . i just stated how its been like .
i like talking to you . i think you should know that . its just , when i talk to you , it doesn't mean it disrupts everything else . & its impossible to talk when you're busy . thats all i meant .
whatever it is . i really am sick & tired . no point pondering . cause i said what i said , did all i could . i know my limits . don't try to expect too much from me . i really feel drained to even bother whether you still want to care or not .
okay (: by posting this , i let out all my anger :D
im going to just sleep & let it pass . not wondering what tomorrow brings for now (:
